I am in a mood this morning. It isn't one that can be quickly labeled. It is more like a swirl between the worlds of negative and positive. I am discouraged but not to the point of quitting. I feel determined but not at the level of success I desire. I am feeling encouraged and yet beat down. Oh, let's face it, I am a walking contradiction this morning.
I have been in a mood to write, but found myself lacking the desire to write online. I have tried to be sociable but find myself lacking in spirit. Could it be because I placed an unrealistic expectation on others, or myself? I have never been one that could smoothly fit in, because of that, it has become a stumbling block for me.
I have also placed upon my path the task of finishing projects I started months ago. This latest one was a quilt for my grandson to go with the log bed his grandfather made him.
Did you know you can sew a complete project with your thread threaded wrong? I didn't but found out the hard way this week.
|The log bed Grandpa made Little J.|
photo by tlpoague
I also found that I have this problem. It keep holding me back from things that are so simple to achieve. It causes me to doubt myself and question every step I take. He also likes to call upon his buddies to hold me back from overcoming this problem.
His name is Fear.
I felt it as a child when I would give my heart to the world to only have it crushed by his friends Envy, Ego, Rejection, and Criticism. It didn't take long for his friends and him to dig their claws in for a long party.
“You're too stupid.”
“You'll never amount to anything.”
“Why do you even try? You always fail.”
Those are words that hung out with Fear.
Soon I began to believe them.
Then one day I woke up with a feeling I never knew before.
Her name was Desire.
I desired to find a way to overcome Fear.
I desired to write, to sing, to finish something...anything.
I desired to achieve the things I had given up for various reasons.
Slowly over time, I have met those goals.
I may not be a famous writer whipping out books by the masses, but I still love to write and share it with others.
I may not be at a Martha Steward level in creativity but know I can do anything I set my mind to.
I may not be able to belt out a tune anymore, without causing the dogs to howl, but I still have the desire to try.
While on the phone to my mother and sister this week, I was telling them about my dilemma with my quilt. I feared screwing it up. I didn't want to cut the pieces then it be too short. I wasn't sure about the design. I felt I had no clue what I was doing.
|It is still a work in progress.|
photo by tlpoague
Then it happened.
Most of my fears came true.
Some of the pieces weren't right. Most of them wouldn't sew together. It bound up, thread broke, and measurements were off.
I adjusted the tension. I tested my decade old thread. I tried to blame the interruptions I endured while studying my problem. (How is it that when trying to work, one endures more interruptions and distractions than watching TV?)
Then it came to me clear as a bell, (and the fact that I finally pulled out my sewing book.) I had been threading my bobbin and needle wrong. This had affected the tension to sew the quilt properly. My measurements were off because I was trying to rush it. The thread broke because it was too old but still usable if I took my time.
Now I had a cross road to choose from....give up, tear it all out and start over, or improvise and finish it?
I choose the latter.
It may not be perfect but I will finish it.
Before, Fear would convince me to quit. I would tell myself it was too much. I didn't have the knowledge. Before, I would just dream about it, not try. That was before.
Now...now I know I can do anything...just kick Fear to the curb.