Moody Monday's: Kicking Fear to the Curb

tlpoague

I am in a mood this morning. It isn't one that can be quickly labeled. It is more like a swirl between the worlds of negative and positive. I am discouraged but not to the point of quitting. I feel determined but not at the level of success I desire. I am feeling encouraged and yet beat down. Oh, let's face it, I am a walking contradiction this morning.

I have been in a mood to write, but found myself lacking the desire to write online. I have tried to be sociable but find myself lacking in spirit. Could it be because I placed an unrealistic expectation on others, or myself? I have never been one that could smoothly fit in, because of that, it has become a stumbling block for me.

I have also placed upon my path the task of finishing projects I started months ago. This latest one was a quilt for my grandson to go with the log bed his grandfather made him.

Did you know you can sew a complete project with your thread threaded wrong? I didn't but found out the hard way this week. 

The log bed Grandpa made Little J.
photo by tlpoague

I also found that I have this problem. It keep holding me back from things that are so simple to achieve. It causes me to doubt myself and question every step I take. He also likes to call upon his buddies to hold me back from overcoming this problem.

His name is Fear.

I felt it as a child when I would give my heart to the world to only have it crushed by his friends Envy, Ego, Rejection, and Criticism. It didn't take long for his friends and him to dig their claws in for a long party.

“You're too stupid.”

“You'll never amount to anything.”

“Why do you even try? You always fail.”

Those are words that hung out with Fear.

Soon I began to believe them.

Then one day I woke up with a feeling I never knew before.

Her name was Desire.

I desired to find a way to overcome Fear.

I desired to write, to sing, to finish something...anything.

I desired to achieve the things I had given up for various reasons.

Slowly over time, I have met those goals.

I may not be a famous writer whipping out books by the masses, but I still love to write and share it with others.

I may not be at a Martha Steward level in creativity but know I can do anything I set my mind to.

I may not be able to belt out a tune anymore, without causing the dogs to howl, but I still have the desire to try.

While on the phone to my mother and sister this week, I was telling them about my dilemma with my quilt. I feared screwing it up. I didn't want to cut the pieces then it be too short. I wasn't sure about the design. I felt I had no clue what I was doing. 

It is still a work in progress.
photo by tlpoague

Then it happened.

Most of my fears came true.

Some of the pieces weren't right. Most of them wouldn't sew together. It bound up, thread broke, and measurements were off.

I adjusted the tension. I tested my decade old thread. I tried to blame the interruptions I endured while studying my problem. (How is it that when trying to work, one endures more interruptions and distractions than watching TV?)

Then it came to me clear as a bell, (and the fact that I finally pulled out my sewing book.) I had been threading my bobbin and needle wrong. This had affected the tension to sew the quilt properly. My measurements were off because I was trying to rush it. The thread broke because it was too old but still usable if I took my time.

Now I had a cross road to choose from....give up, tear it all out and start over, or improvise and finish it?

I choose the latter.

It may not be perfect but I will finish it.

Before, Fear would convince me to quit. I would tell myself it was too much. I didn't have the knowledge. Before, I would just dream about it, not try. That was before.

Now...now I know I can do anything...just kick Fear to the curb.

A Tribute To My Mom This Mother's Day

My mom
photo by tlpoague

These last few months have been busy constructing a schedule where I can write, do other creative projects, and spend time with my grandchildren. Unfortunately, it has left little time to read, comment, and write upon my other websites as I would like. I feel myself being sucked down into a black hole where I have begun to see myself as a failure.

I felt I was letting my readers down by not being able to commit myself to being online interacting with them. I felt I was letting my daughter down by not being available when she needed me. I felt I was letting my husband down by not spending one on one time with him. This led me down the rabbit hole of letting myself down for not completing projects or writing. I didn't want to think about family drama or other issues associated with it.

So, I called the one person whom I knew would understand what it was like to spread oneself so thin.

I called my mom.

"Mom, I need some inspiration." I told her. "I am feeling like I am trying to cram to much into too little time to fully enjoy what I am doing. Now I have writer's block again...along with a string of migraines."

My mom and me
photo by tlpoague

She chuckled.

"Why are you laughing?" I asked.

"Oh, honey, I remember those days." She replied.

I was feeling deflated and defeated. Now my mother was laughing at me. Well, not at me so much as at the situation.

"I am sure your readers will understand if you can't commit to writing everyday. Just write as time allows you to. As long as you do your best, the rest will fall into place. Don't force or rush it." She coaxed. "Remember when I would get into these slumps when we were writing for HubPages? You were full of advice how to freshen up a piece or help me go in the direction I wanted. I had no clue what I was doing, but you were always a phone call away to help. When was the last time you went back to read your earlier pieces?"
Hmm, I hadn't a clue. These days I am usually thinking about it but not acting on it. Maybe it was time to find the time.

This conversation made me recall a couple of her stories from HubPages, "I Swore I Wouldn't Sound Like My Mom", "Grandmothers Are Great Teachers".

My great-grandmother and part of the crew
photo by tlpoague

Oh, how these words have come back to haunt us many a time.

I can still see in my mind's eye, my eight-six year old great-grandmother on her knees, under the kitchen table, chasing my sister, Pie, with a fly swatter for putting her toes on the table. (Elbows and feet on the table were a big taboo in those days.) My mother would just stand there with a permanent grin that included visions of herself, doing those same actions just days before. I, too, have lost count how many time I have punished my own children with the intentions of not sounding like my mother, only to realize later how sound her advice was.

"I just can't seem to get motivated to cook, clean, or finish my craft projects. I want to do it, but...I feel a streak of laziness coming on, and my son will be here tomorrow." I amazed myself with how whinny I sounded.

"So..." Mom asked, "What's stopping you?"

"Umm...dunno...lazy...unmotivated?" I pondered.

"Excuses, that is all they are...excuses. Why aren't you playing your favorite music? Why don't you make a list you want to accomplish? Why are you whining? What happened to focusing on being positive?"

Now I remembered why I couldn't stand my children whining. I learned it from my mother. Good grief...what was I doing?

So, I tried to drum up something positive. I could feel the last few wires in my brain starting to smoke as I cranked over the engine.

"I have one for you." I told Mom as I focused on an idea, "you know how sometimes you don't see yourself as being talented until someone points it out?"

"Ya," I could hear her snacking on something, while she replied in a dreamy voice. I was beginning to lose her.

"The other day, while visiting with Little Man and his wife, I tried to show off my skills and whip up a meal from scratch."

"Oh," was the bored response.

"Yup, I could have broke the record with the worst apple crisp in the history of my baking." I began to brag.

Suddenly, as if the current changed, I could feel my mother's interest perk up. This was news to her. Rarely do I screw up something so simple.

"What happened?" She asked. Her curiosity sparked.

"Well, ya know how hard it is to cook at a hostess's place when they lack the ingredients and tools needed?" (I happened to be cooking at my son's place he had recently moved in to. He hadn't stocked up the place yet.)

"Ya..."

Excited, I took a deep breath and launched into my story.

"I decided I wanted to make chicken noodle soup, with homemade noodles, mashed potatoes, and an apple crisp. I lacked a rolling pin, so, I made due with patting it out with my hands. Then I nearly took off a few fingers trying to cut the onions, carrots, and celery with a cheap knife. I had to use a tiny, flexible, paring knife to peel potatoes while chatting with Little Man's wife.  She was busy helping peal the apples for the crisp. That reminded me of Grandma M always scolding us for not peeling our produce paper thin. This caused both of us to laugh because we looked like we were taking chunks out of our peelings. After our task was done, Mrs. Man stepped back to watch me work in the kitchen. She was telling me that it amazed her how I could whip around so fast, multitasking, and still being able to hold a conversation. I must have had her pretty fooled, because I felt like I was a bit crazy and forgetful. She told me about how Little Man tried teaching her how to drive a stick shift. She mentioned that she had a hard time getting past second gear. I couldn't blame her, it took me forever to learn. Of course, I didn't mention this, I was too busy not burning anything and attempting to remember how to make the apple crisp. Then I remembered the kiddo had a cookbook I gave him. So I whipped it out, while Mrs. Man finished her story, and realized I needed a few more ingredients. So, off we headed to the store."

I paused for a moment for a breath.

I couldn't hear anything at the other end.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Ya, I'm here." Mom replied, "So, then what happened?"

"We jumped in the car and picked up our stories where we left off, till about a block away, when she interrupted me. She asked if I was driving a stick. Not thinking about it I said...ya, why? She gave me a look that asked...is there anything you can't do?
Gosh, I just assumed everyone knew the things we do. It didn't register that for some people they may not know how to bake, cook a certain item, crochet, or do many other homemaking skills.
This was about the time I realized how much we had in common. She was interested in learning how to do the things I was taught as a youngster. She couldn't believe that even Little Man knew how to do the basics of crocheting.
I mean, these are things that are common in our family. I grew excited at the prospect of teaching her, and others, what I have been taught. I love that I was given the ability to learn so much from my grandmothers and you. I feel really blessed that God has given us so many talents. Oh, ya, as for the apple crisp, I forgot to add the sugar, a dot of butter, and flour to it just like Grandma did"

It was in those precious moments that I realized, without saying much, my mother had given me a gift.

The motivation I was looking for.

My mom and my daughter
photo by tlpoague

I took a few moments to look beyond myself to my daughter and how far she has come. She is leading the next generation down a similar path as the ones the women before us have taken.

I just want to say thank you, Mom, for all your support. P.S., you'll need to check your posts on HubPages now. No more excuses...*smiles*

I'll look forward to seeing y'all again tomorrow for Moody Monday!
  

Welcome to Moody Monday

tlpoague

Welcome to the first Moody Monday Blog.
Are you having one of those days where you want to crawl back in bed and start the day over? Would you like to share your thoughts and feelings about it? Drift on over. You have come to the right place. I welcome you to Moody Monday.
Moody Monday was created as a way to express joys or vent the heart out. You can share any emotion that pulls your strings. (I will try to have the tissues ready if you need one. Laughs are life's best prescriptions.)
Just to give a brief description for those that would like to join the fun...there are no rules or commitments. Time is precious for a writer. Sometimes it is hard to commit to a new project. The only thing that I ask is to leave a comment to let others know you are here and a link to your Moody Monday. (Feel free to use the photo of Moody Monday. Just add the caption tlpoague) That way we can spread the love.
Grab yourself a cup and let's get this party started!

photo by momster

My mood today that I would like to share is CHAOS! I know, I know, chaos really isn't a mood but I feel like my mind is spinning enough to give myself whiplash. My emotions are like a roller coaster stuck in overdrive.
Organized chaos can only begin to skim the surface of what I am feeling, as I try to prep to get this blog ready. Excitement bubbled over starting something new. That quickly drifted to fear of screwing up. I was plagued with doubt. I did screw up trying to figure out the codes for my links. (I am by no means computer tech savvy.) My chest hurt as a panic attack threatened to freeze me in concern. (What made me think I was capable of pulling this off?)
"Take a deep breath..." I told myself as I saw spots form before my eyes.
What is the worst thing that can happen?
Focus. Focus again. There...that wasn't so bad. I made it. I have wrote my first blog on this step to an amazing adventure.
No worries that it will fail. If anything it is one more step to freedom as a writer. No more doubt. No more anguish. Only the outcome of something good.
I am a person. Flaws happen. I know I can get over my Fear of Failure...if only I try.

tlpoague 2014

What Are You Thankful For This Week?

Photo by tlpoague

It is time again to reflect on this weeks things of thankfulness. What are you thankful for this week? For myself, it was a week of dropping the ball again. I have been late meeting my writing goals but I am thankful that I didn't give up. It guess in this case it was “better late than never”. Why would I be so grateful?

  In the past, when I became discouraged because I couldn't complete a project, I would give up. That one inch of giving up would turn to two, and two to three, until before I knew it weeks had passed before I gave it a shot again. This week I told myself I couldn't give up. Not yet. Not before I found my limits.

I also did something that in the past I wouldn't dream of doing. I began to connect with a group of writers that I have been following for years on HubPages. I am thankful for a chance to get to know them better. I am also thankful for the encouragement I received on my own writing.

  I am thankful that I was bless by God with a sense of humor and a gift to tell a story. For when the time came, I was thankful that I could help a friend with a dose of laughter. It didn't seem like much for me but I know it made a difference to them. (Anytime you need another laugh...look me up. I had a blast.)

My newest grandson
Photo by tlpoague

I am thankful that my grandson was given a clean bill of health on his checkup. It is amazing to see how fast these little tykes grow. I am still questioning where the time went. It doesn't seem possible that he is three weeks old now.

  I am thankful for the patient and loving husband I have. He has done a lot to keep me grounded this week. He gave me encouragement when I needed it. He reminded me why I had chosen a path I did, when I began to revert to my old ways. I may have made his life miserable this week, so I am extremely grateful he loves me and all my flaws.

  Most of all I am grateful for my faith. I know I mention it quite often. It is something that fills my heart to share. I realize not everyone may want to hear it, or believe the same as I do, and that is okay. To be true to myself is to acknowledge that God has worked wonders in my life. I have received many answered prayers again this week. One of them came in the form of a friend that feels the same as myself. If it hadn't of been for that conversation, I may never had taken the time to read my first writings on sharing that faith. I am thankful for that chat.

  If you have something your are thankful for and want to share. Please feel free to do so. Come and join the group TToT sponsored by Considerings. I will see you all again, hopefully before Silly Sunday. If not, come join in the fun with Everything Susan's Silly On Sunday and RealHousewife.

Considerings

Take care and be well my friends and readers.  

tlpoague 2014

Does Your Housework Rule You Or Do You Rule Your Housework?

photo by tlpoague

Have you ever had one of those weeks where no matter how hard you tried to reach a goal, it just does not happen? That was my week this last week. Every time I sat down at my computer to write...something would come up. Even now, with headphones on and music in my ear, I am being interrupted with random questions.
My week started out with a simple task. One that should not have required nearly seven days...and counting...to complete. I was going to tackle my craft/writing room once and for all. Purging the things I knew I didn't need anymore and attempting to organize the rest without using the Redneck method. I decided that the simplest way to get started was to clear the floor of all the boxes that had accumulated there. (Ack, I wished I would have thought to take before and after pictures.) Moving and organizing boxes were easy till Mr. P came downstairs needing me. Suddenly I realized that I had boxed myself into the room. It took some balance and gritting a few teeth before I could extract myself to see what was so important. I never did get back down there to finish that night.
Day two began with an early morning phone call. My mother...at 5:45 am! She had called to see if I wanted to join her for coffee. "Coffee? Where? At...what time is it again? You are where again?" Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, my brain finally registered that my mother had drove across four states to come for a surprise visit. What a surprise that was! Cleaning on day two was out, along with the writing I had planned.
Day three and four were spent supporting my family as my middle sister faced additional grief to go with the loss of her husband nearly a year ago.
Day five was looking pretty promising. A little coffee, some eggs, and a plan found me heading down the stairs on a mission. It lasted less than 20 minutes when I was summoned back up the stairs. At this rate I knew I wouldn't be getting back to my writing as soon as I had planned, but at least I would be spending the day with my grandson.
Day six found me still snuggling under my mountain of comfortable blankets as a fierce wind beat upon the house. A cool, whistling, breeze found its way through cracks and crevices. Listing to the howl, feeling the cold, I was now dreading my mission downstairs. How could a simple chore become a daunting task? Groaning, I rolled over. Images of multiple stacks of books and a blinking icon on a white computer screen interrupted my slumber. It was going to take a lot of coffee to coax me from my cocoon but finally I gave it up. Again I didn't get far down the stairs before I was summoned. Good grief!
Day seven. I have put my foot down. No interruptions till I have finished my task at hand. I have sorted more books than I care to count, placing them in the appropriate boxes to be passed along to friends and family. Those I plan on reading have been placed on shelves. Empty boxes and totes surround me. My crafts are still cluttering up places but tomorrow is another day. I finally can sit and write. It may be a boring post, but at least I can say, "I finally posted one!"
Let's see what chaos next week brings. Maybe I can add it to my "Little Box of Craziness".